


Her mother wouldn't have given up

by dustenigmas



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, The Book of Dust - Philip Pullman
Genre: Mother-Daughter Relationship, Motherhood, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29354040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustenigmas/pseuds/dustenigmas
Summary: Lyra has been alone since she was 13. A few years have passed and she hasn't heard from either of her parents until the master of Jordan College invites her to a dinner party with the scholars.
Relationships: Lord Asriel & Lyra Belacqua, Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Her mother wouldn't have given up

**Author's Note:**

> I still can't get over how Lyra's relationship with her parents was set at the end of The Amber Spyglass, nor what her life became in the new trilogy. So I decided to write something that makes me feel better, an alternative ending.   
> I hope you guys enjoy it!

The last few years have been torture for Lyra, who was used to board adventures and to deal with real death threats, stalks, and lies. Now, she spent most of her days studying at St Sophia's college, lost in her own presence - as her relationship with Pan was no longer the same, not after what happened in the world of the dead.  
Although all the living promised to be there for her and to her, it was not done. Svalbard was too far away for Iorek to keep too much close contact with young Lyra, and she didn't want to worry the bear king either. Serafina's clan lands were also far away and even though times had changed, a sorceress was not welcomed in the big centers.

Lyra had spent the last six years alone. 

The master of Jordan College had become her greatest advisor and mentor. If someone had told her this when she still lived in college, she probably would have never believed it. She never thought they had anything in common. They had: loneliness and the pain of loss. 

The girl didn't know the fate of her parents. Part of her was desperate to find out as events ended, but the alethiometer wasn't clear enough; another part of her hoped she would never find out. The fear that her parents' fate was death made Lyra shiver. Despite all her differences and mistrust of them, she loved them. 

"It's strange not to receive Lord Asriel's gaudy visits at this time of year. He was always visiting us asking for money for his research." Master commented to Lyra at one of their lunches. 

The girl felt a double sadness: Lord Asriel only visited her when he came to ask for funding for the College, otherwise, he never sent a telegram; the longing she felt for her father was for what they could have been and never had the chance. At the end of the day, it made no difference whether her father was alive or not, he didn't care about her enough to have a paternal demeanor. Lyra was not and never had been his priority and she accepted that. 

Having lunch at Jordan College always brought an endless feeling of nostalgia. The times when she ran through the halls, bumping into professors and skipping metaphysics classes. The times she did mud wars with the gypsies and even sank one of the boats. The times when she ran across rooftops with Roger.

Roger. Lyra never forgave herself for the betrayal she was responsible for. Her friend's life was cut short because he was close to her, trusted her. 

The girl knew she had put Roger in danger twice. The first when she asked Mrs. Coulter to take him to London, something she later realized would never happen. The second when in her anxiety in trying to make a connection with her father, she ignored Asriel's signals and silenced Roger's fears. Double betrayal. 

A possessive mother and an indifferent father, according to Pan. 

The daemon avoided conversations about the past, for him it was too painful to remember how everything happened and how everything could be different. Lyra and Pan were gradually becoming what they feared most as children: Marisa and the golden monkey. They couldn't stand each other, couldn't tolerate each other, couldn't face the vulnerability in each other's eyes. 

Lyra learned to ignore Pan, as Marisa did with the monkey in the London flat. Pan was a reflection of everything Lyra wasn't ready to deal with, he was the grief she didn't suffer, the hurt she didn't feel and the longing that came strongly every day. 

Lyra's luck was that the Master had offered to pay for her studies at Santa Sofia College. The gesture of affection took the girl by surprise and filled her with gratitude. That was the gift she received at the age of 17, a gift that allowed her to study more about dust and theology - this time as separate topics. 

Lyra believed College would keep her busy enough to forget about herself. The chatty, lying, adventurous girl became melancholy, lonely, and an excellent scholar. Sometimes teachers would praise her and compare her to her mother. 

Apparently, Marisa Coulter was one of the most celebrated students of Santa Sophia. The woman wrote dozens of published works with a male pseudonym, as well as hundreds of unpublished works. As painful as it was to deal with her mother's omnipresent presence, Lyra realized she was creating a bond with her.

Marisa was gone. Probably dead, according to Pan. But Lyra ignored him, she didn't want to think that the elegant woman was dead. For the girl, she was still alive, and the jobs were the way she found to deal with the doubt and absence of Marisa and her pursuits. 

When the longing became unbearable, Lyra would read Marisa's theses on how the dust settled on children. As morbid as it seemed to others, Lyra found solace in the papers written by her mother - especially when they contained her signature. 

A part of her understood the purpose of the Oblation Board, her mother thought she was doing the greater good. But she still couldn't compact with what happened, with what was done to hundreds of children. As much as Pan and Lyra no longer got along as well as they used to, they would never choose to be cut off from each other. 

Only a few things bothered Lyra. Assumptions about her mother were a stressful topic.

"Do you really think she died?" An old scholar asked the dean of St. Sophia. 

"She certainly did! She wouldn't have left her daughter dumped out in the world. Especially after she fought so hard to get her back." 

"Or she knew Lyra would prefer the distance." 

"Marisa wasn't a woman to care about other people's feelings, even if they were her own daughter's." 

After that conversation she overheard in college, Lyra became paranoid. She started a private search for her mother's fate: asked for access to magisterium documents, talked to Marisa's former friends. She got no result. Marisa was lost and Lyra was not sure if she would ever find her again. 

The girl hoped that Marisa was dead or that she was just trying to reach her one day - Lyra recognized that she had always run away and neglected Marisa's attempts after London, but a part of her had always loved knowing that her mother cared and would move the seas to see her again. The thought that her mother had just given up on any contact tormented her. 

Time passed so quickly that Lyra barely noticed she was about to turn eighteen. An adult. Memories of a conversation with her mother dominated her thoughts on her birthday morning as she picked up the mail coming from Iorek and Serafina. 

——————

"Ah, Lyra! Your 18th birthday party will be beautiful. I will introduce you to all the young people at the party, you will meet the best ones." 

"Young people?" 

"Yes! You will be wooed by them eventually. I will teach you everything you need to know."

"You will teach me how to wield power over them?" 

"Of course I will. Boys are stupid and my dear... You are extraordinary." 

"No one ever told me I was extraordinary, Mrs. Coulter."

"Well, you are even more so." 

——————

Lyra cleaned the tears that were stubbornly running down her face. The longing for the peaceful moments she had lived with Mrs. Coulter before everything collapsed in her lap was sometimes too much. 

Lyra's eighteenth birthday would be spent reading new texts recently discovered written by Marisa, alone in her dormitory with Pan by her side - on this particular date they did not separate, the only day of the year. The day would be without great emotions if it wasn't for the master inviting Lyra to attend a dinner at Jordan's college that night, he said it was important and he made sure the girl would attend. 

As Lyra arrived at the venue she noticed that several scholars were present, they seemed to be waiting for a big event to happen, which was not unusual. Probably a new scholar was returning to the college, one who was quite important, as the dinner seemed to be much more organized than the ones Lyra attended when she was younger. The young woman received birthday congratulations from the scholars and settled into a chair close to the master, one chair away - the chair Mrs. Coulter sat in when they first met. 

"You know Lyra, I've heard that you've been skipping some classes at Santa Sofia." The master began with a repressive tone, bringing a sense of nostalgia and even amusement in Lyra. 

"Some things never change, but at least my grades are very good now!" 

"Indeed they do. The rector of Santa Sofia told me that you are looking deeper into the materials developed by your mother. I imagine you have questions about them." 

"Yes, I do, a lot. I don't think I'll ever get all the answers." Lyra felt her eyes welling up. 

"If your mother were alive, she wouldn't have given up on you. God knows how many disagreements I had with that woman, how many heated arguments we had about you. The threats she made just so she could see you when you were just a little girl. She wouldn't have given up. Never." 

"That doesn't matter anymore." Lyra wriggled uncomfortably in her chair. 

"A few days ago I found out that a special person wanted to talk to you, to get in touch with you about a matter of extreme importance." The master smiled at Lyra, an almost relieved smile. "Please meet Mrs.Coulter again." 

Lyra had been so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed the woman's approach with the golden monkey, the figure that was so imposing and still caused admiration in the scholars after years. The unforgettable figure, unique and powerful. 

The young woman thought she would never see her again, nostalgia came on full force. They stood in the same position as the first time they met as if that symbolized a new beginning. 

"Hello, Lyra." Mrs. Coulter smiled at her with teary eyes, the stately woman was also touched to see her daughter for the first time in years. 

The mother was alive, now reunited with her own daughter at the starting point of both their story. They had a chance for a new beginning, a fresh one. 

Their gazes held long enough for both faces to be taken by memories of the times they had lived together, the good and the bad. 

"It's been ages since I've been to events like this. You'll have to tell me which fork and knife to use. I don't want to make a fool of myself."

"I've got so many questions." Lyra stammered. 

The girl's voice was no longer steady, she was too emotional - as was Pan, who despite still being afraid of the monkey daemon's presence, was allowing himself to be cuddled. 

"And I'll answer them all, after your birthday dinner. Happy birthday, Lyra. I knew you were extraordinary." Marisa stroked Lyra's cheek carefully, she didn't want to make any sudden gestures that would break the fragile moment. 

A few stubborn tears overflowed from Lyra's eyes. 

"I missed you... I..." 

Marisa brought one of her fingers to Lyra's lips, silencing the young woman. 

"I know. I missed you too, my running girl. Now we have all the time in the world." 

The master watched the scene that unfolded beside him with the chest full of affection. He had watched every pain through the fear of rejection and abandonment from the girl he took in at Jordan College. Lyra had suffered much since her return from great adventures, just a little girl with a turbulent past and more trauma than he could think to experience in his entire life. 

The man wasn't Marisa's biggest fan, far from it. He still didn't trust the woman, distrust was the main feature of their relationship. But he knew that Marisa would never stop searching for Lyra if she was alive, not if she could. The love she felt for her daughter was too great for that, he could see that from the affection that the look in both mother and daughter's eyes held. 

The decision to bring them together after years on such a special date was the finest in years.


End file.
